Pssst, want to check out Zashchitniki in our new look?
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A career-minded military woman tries to rebuild her life after being snubbed by James Bond's rubber screwdriver. She recruits a small team of rejected ex-military experiments, including the Thing, Nightcrawler, the Invisible Woman, and the Incredible Were-Bear Hulk. The team quickly comes together without any resistance and is eager to cooperate on their first mission despite being a few decades out of practice. Fortunately, their lives as a monastic, a desert sage, a hermit and circus acrobat have provided enough training to prepare them for modern urban combat.
As Bane, with the powers of Col. Volgin and wonderfully played by the late great Robert Z'Dar, captures three-quarters of the team and breaks the back of Monastic Thing, 007's jilted lover amounts a rescue operation that is quite literally a walk in the (industrial) park. With the team in the dumps after their disastrous first mission was a complete disaster, Xenia Onabottom patiently listens to each character's backstory as she slowly sheds her military wardrobe for one that is more befitting of a career woman with real human emotion.
Armed with some tight-fitting leather and supported by a secret military program staffed entirely by recent college graduates and good-looking interns, Xenia and the Fantastic Fourmer Soviet Union are ready to take on Z'Dar-Bane as he launches the next step of his master plan: taking over Sputnik. The team narrows down the bad guy's location to the most expendable part of modern Moscow--Moscow City. Harnessing their power into one unified ball of pure orgasmic energy, the team collapses into a cuddle puddle while Z'Bane collapses to his doom along with the rest of the skyscrapers representing Russia's attempt at capitalism.
Like all great teams that work so well together, everyone decides to part ways while the Bond Girl wannabe winks at the camera in a not-so-subtle way as if to say now that she has real human feelings she can finally date the British super-spy of her dreams.
to see which of your friends have seen this movie!