Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
Pssst, want to check out Transformers: Age of Extinction in our new look?
See all comments
BOOM BOOM BOOM
*Some girls' legs and ass*
BOOM BAM BOOM
BOOM BOOM BOOM
*Optimus Prime monologue*
I just saved your time and money.
B00M/10 would BOOM again
Set controls for the heart of the sun, it's time for another cinematic abortion, from the series that begs the question, 'yes, but WHY is it exploding?' The visual elements are impressive purely as a 20 minute FX reel, it's almost a 3 star movie if you keep the sound off, and that's the key to understanding why Michael Bay, the useless purple dildo of cinema, is so hated. Sure, the dialogue careens between awkward exposition, highly unfunny humour, and paper-thin preachy monologues that come out of nowhere, all linked with the most threadbare connective tissue imaginable. Sure, there's product placement and shilling to the Chinese galore (seriously,I can't imagine the embarrassment the Chinese must bear for Hollywood's hilarious, pretentious attempts to understand its culture and win its favour). But there's something about the ugly, childish spite of his human villains which really brings the case against him home: the characterization perfectly illustrates the awareness of a spoiled, confused, dumb and nasty child who's been left behind the wheel of a 200 million dollar (exploding) tanker, a perception Bay dutifully honours any time he opens his mouth in public.
The fact that the vast majority of us grew out of this phase decades ago, hasn't stopped the march of Bay's arrested development as he makes the same mistakes over and over, battering his point home with militaristic precision. His pretentions to higher cinematic plains (Emotionally manipulative soundtrack? 3 hours long? A second trilogy?! Dear God!!) only makes the clumsiness, and obnoxiousness more galling. The blitzkrieg momentum between all this nothing doesn't echo a rush of adrenaline, more the feel of a wet fart passing through my bowels in glorious Smell-O-Vision: this is movie as pure product, scrubbed clean, freeze dried and microwaved, anaesthetized of vision or heart or warmth (though I hear sitting on a wet fart for 3 hours is quite toasty on the ol' cockles). It's not just bad, it proactively insults those who want to actually believe in the series' potential. It's hollow. There's just *nothing there*. Just a series of events.
I might add, it's always a cynical joy to see Bay's dramatic misfires compelling him to destroy the careers of actual actors; here, Mark Walhberg and Kelsey Grammar are sleepwalking through a minefield, but at least Stanley Tucci is having fun, and John Goodman's voice carries more weight than the remainder of the delivery in triplicate. I'm not ashamed to say I watched a pirate copy of this at double speed to get the check - and most of you would do the same given the chance. 3 hours of my life is too long for this Bayniac.
Didn't expect much going in and the movie met that expectation. Bay does nothing to try and deviate away from the tired formula of the last three films. There are still a significant amount of confusing, jumbled action scenes filled with machine parts and explosions, women are still conveyed only as objects of desire, and some transformers continue to perpetuate ethnic stereotypes. Other flaws include actors being mis-cast (Wahlberg plays a robotics engineer from Texas...with an East Coast accent), tons of plot holes, and an overall feeling of a rushed and predictable action film.
If you are looking to turn your mind off and just want to watch a bunch of things happen on a screen, this is the movie for you. People who want to actually enjoy a good film, stay clear of Transformers: Age of Extinction.
to see which of your friends have seen this movie!
In 2 official lists
View all lists this movie is in
This movie ranks #30 in Box Office Mojo's All Time Worldwide Box Office
This movie ranks #325 in Box Office Mojo's All Time Adjusted Box Office